So maybe the attraction to older men, incest fantasies. I guess my impression is that if your mother mistreated you as well, there wasn't much in the way of emotional nurturing or support in your childhood. You have ample reasons to dislike & resent him, even if this went no further, so it's possible that this seems like just one more thing to add to the list. Whether or not it's a sign of additional abuse, we really can't say, only you or he would have knowledge of that, or someone who was there at the time. The french-kissing thing is definitely very odd, way outside normal behavior for a parent, and abusive in nature. Posts: 4 Joined: Tue 1:43 am Local time: Wed 3:37 am Blog: View Blog (0) I've been depressed, possibly bipolar for a long time and feel like I'll never experience sex or intimacy in a normal way. So what do you think? I'd never actually accuse him of anything or get the law involved no matter what I "remember." If anything I just want to figure out what's wrong with ME so I can get better. I also have huge incest fantasies and love attention from older men and have fallen in love with many a male professor. I let men do a lot to me even though I don't like it. I followed random guys into their apartment once and was drugged and probably raped. Always been shy around boys until recently and now I just sometimes go out to bars in the middle of the night and hook up with strangers. I guess the final thing is my own sexual issues. Another reason for this could be the fact that my mother hates him and I've kinda had to choose between my parents so I don't know. I don't even like when he emails me nice things or buys me birthday presents. I find him repulsive and weak and uncomfortable. Ever since middle/high school I hate being around him. He makes me so uncomfortable and irritable. He is much nicer to me than my mother who is very unpredictable and angry and sometimes violent. If it were up to me I'd never talk to him again. My parents are separated and I haven't talked to him for years but I'm totally fine with it.
The biggest potential "clue" for me though is the feeling I get around him or even when he emails. He also refused to have sex with my mom for years.
Also my dad's weird sexual problems (he told my mom he was asexual once, another time he said that his sister was raped by his dad, another time he said he hired a prostitute to #$ him up the ass though I don't think that he was being serious). Then there's my dad's depression, anxiety, alcoholism, marital problems, secret affairs with younger women. Drawing a picture at school of my dad in the shower, with his penis out, and being questioned about it by my mom and teacher. Getting in trouble for french kissing kids at school. Always having a lot of vaginal pain, yeast infections and great pain urinating when I was a kid. There's a million little things that could or could not be clues. I've had similar experiences with men (all strangers) and I've never felt pleasure during sex so I don't know why I keep doing this. I even want to see him again although I hated the sex and got zero enjoyment. I don't know why I feel so unable to assert myself. And I felt too uncomfortable to ask him to stop or slow down even though it hurt and I think he would have stopped. Maybe because last night I had a sexual experience (first time anal, unprotected) with a stranger I met in a bar. I've been having this feeling for about a year or so and usually I can forget about it but not today. This is going to sound CRAZY as #$ and you all will hate me for saying it but I kind of feel like my dad MAY have molested me and it's hard to focus on other things until I write this out.
I know that my mom worked and he looked after me a couple summers and I do remember driving with my dad and dropping her off at work and crying hysterically, feeling so distraught that my mom was leaving. I remember my friends and playing at their houses and my teachers but nothing from my house. I don't really have memories of him at all from that period (0-12ish?). I have no other memories of him doing anything else to me. It all started with this "game" my dad and I would play when I was about preschool age or maybe a little older (?) where we'd basically french kiss each other with tongues.